Down the Rabbit Hole
by ATaintedStarsNightmare
Summary: A different look at Alice in Wonderland. Mature themes. Drugs. Violence. A/U Not cute and cuddly Alice in Wonderland. Dark.
1. Blurred Colours

**Down The Rabbit Hole**

**ATaintedStarsNightmare**

DISclaimer: I do not own anything here but plot, possibly.

"**Blurred Colors"**

_There's either too much time or too little, where does it go?_

_~ Now ~  
><em>

I didn't know how to start the letter. The pen was sitting in my hand and the only thing on my paper was the little doodles I had drawn. They were starting to take over the whole sheet of lined paper in front of me. I could feel the minutes ticking away, a tiny bit of my life draining with each one. My mind couldn't seem to focus and that was starting to annoy me worse than this blank piece of paper. I looked over to the door, silently hoping for a knock, a real distraction but nothing came. I was alone in the world, alone with just my thoughts.

I figured I should start with how this began, but even then where would I start? Things were already too far gone to even try to make them right, how once they once were. How perfect everything seems now when then it was too bland and boring. I wish I could take it all back, but this is the real world and it had consequences and no time machines. I tried to shift through my memories, but they seemed to all blur together, even the colors blending. I felt like I had dropped into another world, a very different world with no way back in sight.

_~ Before ~  
><em>

I held on tightly to her hand, the crowd's loud roar of conversations beating at my ears and head. The blinking lights of the rides were slightly hypnotizing. I couldn't keep my focus on one thing and constantly looked all around me. All the bits of the conversations around seemingly blended together but no one but me noticed. The dark night sky made everything seem brighter and I didn't think I could keep up.

She looked down at me from the stairs she happened to be standing on, a smile on her face. Her red blush, lipstick, and hair stood out clearly. I couldn't look at her with anything but admiration, she was everything I wanted to be and everything I wasn't. She was simply perfection, if only to me. I smiled shyly back at her, knowing I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Cheshire. Cheshire was the one who brought us altogether and she the one who helped the colors blend together.

_~ Now ~  
><em>

I looked back down at the paper, still blank. The little movie in my head didn't translate to paper. The pen was still tightly gripped in my hand and the lights still buzzing. I knew I should write this story, for I might not remember it all together tomorrow. I started putting the pen to the paper when my distraction finally arrived. I couldn't keep the sigh of relief contained as I looked towards the door.

"Hey Alice, how have you been?" he asked. He looked slightly better than when I last saw him, but the signs were still visible, he hadn't learned his lesson. The dark circles under his eyes, the sores on his face and the bones poking through his skin clearly showed what was consuming him alive. But his trademark white top hat upon his head, making him very much like Cat in the Hat, was letting me know he was still in there somewhere. He was what I used to be, what I longed to be again. He was the Hatter, my Hatter though I doubt that meant anything anymore.

"Hello Hatter. It's nice to see you again." I gave him a small nodded and continued to look down at my paper. I didn't want to admit I was ecstatic to see him, but I'm sure he already knew the truth. I looked at him through my hair as he sat on the bed in the room. Or what they tried to say was a bed. He patted the spot before he sat down and looked around, trying not to catch my eye. He knew that I could tell that he was still using what we had dubbed 'the March Hare' and that even now it was coursing its magic through him.

I could suddenly hear Cheshire's voice once more; "the March Hare will be much the most interesting, and perhaps as this is May it won't be raving mad - at least not so mad as it was in March."

"It must suck being in this place, away from us…and away from her." His eyes looked curiously at me, almost as if looking for an answer to unasked question. "Do you feel the March Hare ever calling you back?"

I could my heart begin to race at its name already. It was as if I needed it to breathe in this moment and the air wasn't truly there. I turned around and looked at him straight-on, my chest pounding. My answer was simple.

"Always. I feel like a part of me is missing."

He just nodded and went back to picking at the blanket on the bed. I turned back around, but I couldn't shake the feelings he had brought up just speaking its name.

"You know, I don't know how you can be living without it. Cheshire and Queen say they miss you. And the White Rabbit sends their love. We all miss you. Do you think you'll be able to come back and be around while we've got the Hare marching through our veins?" The question he asked had been haunting my free thoughts and I had always tried to ignore it. But hearing the words float through the air on the silence seemed to make that reality look impossible.

"I don't know." I wasn't trying to have a deep conversation with Hatter of all people especially when I could the Hare so close to me. "Why hasn't she visited me, if she misses me so much?" I couldn't stop the question from slipping out but I stopped it from sounding pitiful.

"You know how she is. But Cheshire is afraid to let us come here, I had to sneak away. Though I think they've covered for me over at the Rabbit. I hope so, or else she is going to be very angry with me." His eyes got a very distant glazed look and I knew he was in immense pleasure. The March Hare was in its final stages though and I knew he would leave before the withdraw became too bad. It hurt me slightly, but I understood. My veins cried out to his, to share and give me what he was feeling.

"You'll have to be leaving soon." It wasn't a question, I knew the effects very well and how your body would call for more.

He just nodded and started to leave. He shuffled towards the door and looked like he wanted to stop and look back. He shook his head, his dreads shaking around looking like snakes. He walked back over to me and without looking at me, and placed a little glass vial down. The liquid in the vial was a swirling purple that turn into a light pink. It was March Hare, but in its weakest form. He walked once more towards the door without a second glance back at me. I was in heaven, just being so near to it. It had that effect. My breath was caught in my throat; I couldn't take in any air. He stopped right at the door frame, facing outwards with his hands on both sides on the doorframe.

"Now it's up to you to choose."

Then he simply left.

_ ~ Before ~  
><em>

"Come on Alice!" Queen's voice rang clearly in my ears even through the crowd's loud roars. She held her hand out to me, a smile still on her face.

I looked up at her, excited about being around her and feeling the excitement in the air. We were standing in line for the chair swings. They were swing high in the sky above us, the laughter from above made me keep looking up. We shuffled a tiny bit more forward though we still had some time to wait.

Cheshire was right beside us, tapping her foot impatiently. But her eyes looking a bit glazed over but I didn't take much notice, I never had. She turned back to me with a grin on her face and winked.

"I've got an idea you might enjoy. Close your eyes and open your mouth." I looked towards Queen, but she just smiled and nodded. Cheshire dug something out her pocket and motioned for me to come closer to her. "Trust me Alice; I would never do anything to hurt you."

I moved closer to her and did what she asked. Suddenly I was hyper aware of all my senses and everything around me. As I stuck my tongue out and waited, I felt incredibly stupid. But I felt something hit my tongue and it started to dissolve instantly. It tasted slightly of vanilla and I couldn't stop rubbing my tongue against the top of my mouth.

"You've just had your first taste of the Hare. I hope I didn't give you too much for your first time."

Then it suddenly hit something so pleasurable I can't even really describe it now. I could feel every pulse of my heart throughout my body, it was an amazing feel. Suddenly the line moved forward and it was our turn to get on the swings. Flying in the air while it was flowing through me was just the beginning of my wonderful downward spiral.

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong>

_So, this is something new I thought I would give a try. I'm pretty much just going wherever it takes me. Tell what you think though._

_-atsn_


	2. The White Rabbit

**Down the Rabbit Hole**

**-ATaintedStarsNightmare**

"_There's either too much time, or too little. Where does it go?"_

**The White Rabbit**

_~ Now ~  
><em>

I couldn't stop staring at the March Hare in front of me. It was like a gift from above, but deep down I knew only Hell was in that bottle. It would take over my mind and that would be only thought. That and how I could get more. I could feel my frustration at the problem before me. Now that I knew how much my life changed and could clearly see how bad I fucked up…I was scared to be back in that frame of mind. But I couldn't help thinking of how good it was. Once you were there you didn't notice anything else but how you were feeling at that moment. And that was almost enough.

I didn't know how the Hatter could get it through the doors and the searches. Being stuck here was bad enough. My parents would call once in awhile, too ashamed to admit the truth about their daughter and the things I had done. I was stuck in a rehab/mental ward. They didn't know how truly I was messed up but they tried. I've seen people that were just coming off of drugs and a few who had just started learning about March Hare didn't believe I had it.

The only other person who was in Hare withdraw didn't even make it a few hours because they were so bad. It was startling to see, the affects clearly showing on their face and skin. The sores on her face were oozing and the circles under her eyes were unbelievable. The crooks of her arms and knees had the worst marks though. When you injected Hare too much it left black marks that almost seemed burned into your skin forever. I couldn't help but rub the few scars on the inside of my arm when I saw hers. She was delirious and talking about seeing things and knowing the future. She had tried to O.D on March Hare.

I put the vial far back in my drawer and decided to walk out with the other people and try to give Queen another call. We were all we had when things had gotten bad with Hare but where was she now when I truly needed her?

_~ Before ~  
><em>

Flying in the air while the colors of the lights swirled under us made the feeling more intense. I looked over towards Queen and she held her arms out through the chains of the swing. The wind was making her hair fly back and she had the look of absolute pleasure. I felt like I was flying and nothing else mattered at that moment. Why hadn't someone told me about this before?

When the ride finally ended, it felt like forever had passed. The lights and sounds seemed even more fascinating with March Hare pulsing through my heart and veins. I looked around in amazement as we continued walking around. The four of us were an unstoppable force; nothing could get in our way. With our arms linked together, we stepped forward. We had the world at our fingertips and control. With Hatter's mad laughter echoing through my ears and Queen's secret whispering, the time seemed to stop. We found a round off to the side and decided to see where we ended up. The darkness seemed not to exist; everything around us seemed to glow in the moonlight.

I don't even know how long it took, but there was a sign on the side of the road. It wasn't very special but just said "White Rabbit". I could hear Cheshire giggles and the hushed low whisper of Hatter. I couldn't see what was happening beside me but I didn't want to know. I felt Cheshire's arm slip out of mine but Queen's grip tighten. We split off into two groups as the White Rabbit came closer into view. I felt Queen pulling me closer and closer into the doorway of White Rabbit.

We all eventually made it to the door and walked in. The White Rabbit was almost like March Hare but here in reality.

The blinking neon sign clearly stating its point "ANYTHING GOES."

_~ Now ~  
><em>

Sitting in the torn-up chair, I stared at the bars on the windows to keep us locked in. I could hear people vomiting their stomachs out, screaming and crying for relief. Sometimes I wanted to tear my ears off just to not hear them beg, it cut me up inside. I knew that feeling and could still feel it inside me. It was worsened by the fact I knew I had the sweet release to all this pain in the back of my drawer, snuck in by a faithful friend.

The zonked out patients/victims were shuffling along in the halls while the nurses vaguely watched us, as if we would cause trouble. I heard another phone ring and heard my name called out from somewhere near the nurses.

"Alice, you've got a phone call. Keep it short." It was the bitch nurse who didn't understand the sweet call of our secret Hells. She gave me a look like I didn't deserve to even be in the same room with her and share her air. It made me feel like I was tainted goods or something, she would never understand though.

I grabbed the phone from her extended hand and gave her a devilish smirk and licked my lips like she was something tasty to eat. She rolled her eyes and left me to the phone.

"Hello, you've reached Alice the great. How may I be of service?" I played with the telephone, bored of standing here. Once again my thoughts were focused on the hellish sweet torture calling me to my room.

But the person on the other end of the line was just my mother checking up on me. I guess it would be hard having your drug addicted daughter away from home.

_~ Before ~  
><em>

The flashing lights and the music made me stop and stare. My fellow companions also were shocked and still. The craziness captured our attention, and it seemed like flowed right out of our minds.

There were black lights, plastic tunnels to climb through and girls dancing to the music with men howling at their feet. But the craziness seemed to go further than I could see, it was a drugged out playground for adults. And with the Hare in my veins I ran towards the bodies in the black light ball pits, the colored lights flashing off everything around me. Queen had jumped in with me, holding my hand the whole time with a smile on her face.

Nothing could be better.

_~ Now ~  
><em>

My mother had been a good person at heart but her choices had changed all that. She had her own escapes that hurt everyone around her; I guess I took after her. We both had our choices and we both chose the bad ones. But all through my childhood I could remember watching her sitting on the couch after going through the last of our money. The tiny bags tore apart in a rush to get to the goodies inside.

When I had grown older, I hated her so much for everything she had put me through. I was ashamed of her and I didn't ever want to be like her. I didn't understand her and how she could do everything she did.

But my father wasn't any better. He had watched her continue on her path, but just supplied her with more because he wanted her all for himself and to never leave him. I don't know how that worked out because when he couldn't provide anymore, he was booted out. Guess that plan backfired. He stopped coming around after that, he had left me alone to suffer.

Watching my strung-out mother while growing up wore me down and I had tried to be strong, but we all have our weak moments. I knew she loved me somewhere deep down but all she could focus on was getting the needle into a working vein. After my first couple times of Hare, I understood. But that didn't change anything between us; it made me give her even more space. I didn't want her to see what I had become, a clone of her.

She should be in my spot, sitting in this damn room! I should be out, enjoying the sunshine and a breeze. She couldn't come in; they would know she had the same issues as her fucked-up daughter. At times when I would get this angry, I would just take a hit of Hare and let the pleasure sweep down to my toes. I didn't have a needle, so I would have to drink it. It would only last maybe an hour at most, but it was what I needed.

I started humming happily as I walked down towards my room, a giant smile on my face. This was going to have to be my wonderland for a bit.

_~ Before ~  
><em>

The Hare was starting to wear off, but we had been here for hours. It seemed like the party would never end, everything was still going as hard as when we first got there. I could feel my muscles starting to ache and tense as the March Hare was starting to dilute in my system.

Suddenly we were ushered into a room with colorful smoke rings above our heads. I couldn't tell whether this was reality or just a dream. The smell was very distinct and it felt like it had gotten lodged in my nose and would stay there for a good bit.

"I have never seen you around here before. How did you find us?" A man spoke, a hookah at his feet. He was the one blowing out the colorful smoke rings that were above us. "Who are you?"

All of us started looking around at each other, not knowing who would be the one to talk first. His tone was indifferent, so I was slightly put off and my buzz was running thin.

"I'll only ask one more time. Who are you?" The words seemed to form the letters of what he was saying, switching colors with everyone. Was this real?

"I'm Cheshire; this is Queen, Hatter, and Alice." She pointed us out when she said our names. I gave a little curtsey when my name was spoken. "We found this place by accident." She didn't look very nervous, her voice was confident. But that was simply how she always was.

"Ahh, well I hoped you guys have enjoyed yourselves here. I am known as Caterpillar. Pleasure to meet you. I can tell by the looks on your faces you've been indulging yourselves. May I ask with what?" He casually looked at us, studying us for our reactions.

"March Hare, sir." Queen's voice penetrated the silence. I looked at her, afraid that it had been admitted out loud. It seemed for reinforce the fact I had just taken it.

"Ahh, I myself am very fond of that particular substance." He gave us a wink. "Maybe you should come here more often and learn the trade around here. I'm sure we'll all be happy to see you around." His words seemed to be focused on me, as were his eyes. I tried to casually look somewhere else because of the heat I felt coming on my face.

"I don't think you need to worry about that, Caterpillar. It's like a wonderland here." Hatter gave a smile and tilted his head slightly. We all nodded in agreement with him.

"Well it is settled. We shall see you here tomorrow, be ready to perhaps join in the excitement we have here. Can't visit for free." He made a hand motion for us to leave as he continued smoking out of his hookah.

_~ Now ~  
><em>

It seemed like so long ago that I had been at the Rabbit, my second family. Caterpillar was a strange man and had very strange ways. In the days following of us going there, we eventually were accepted. The rules had clearly explained to us and disobeying them would be a very bad idea. Caterpillar had gotten to the habit of calling me Dormouse, though I never understood why. Dodo, one of the bartenders, had taken a liking to Cheshire which always put Hatter on edge.

Though she didn't seem to return the affection towards him, he had always been especially protective of her. She had sometimes used him if she was bored or at random times. She seemed to be sex in person, she affected everybody around her. Most men and women couldn't keep their eyes off of her. It was sort of unsettling sometimes, but I had gotten used to it.

_~ Before ~  
><em>

"Hey sexy ladies!" Dodo gave us all a wink and a wave. He nodded his head in greeting towards Hatter but Hatter pretended to not see. We all giggled at him, but Cheshire had made sure to give Dodo that sexy wink of hers. She had her way to deal with the attention she received.

We all walked to the back room, surveying the scenes around us. The loud music pumping through to our bones and the howls of the men made us all smile. I stopped and watched my favourite person, The Duchess, dance around. Queen gave my hand a little tug, a slight frown on her face at the fact I had been watching Duchess. I smiled back at her and gave her a peck on the cheek, though it seemed to make her feel slightly guilty but I couldn't figure out why.

"So did you and Cheshire have fun hanging out today?" I turned to look at her while I was changing into the little outfits Caterpillar had picked out for us.

Instead of giving me an answer she just left the room. Had I done something wrong? Worse than looking at another girl? Me and Queen hadn't made anything official but I knew I liked her very much but she seemed to always be jumping around about liking me. Some days it seemed she did and others she didn't.

I pulled up the stockings and took my time. It didn't seem like tonight would be a good night. It was just me and Hatter in the room.

"Did I do something wrong?" I looked towards him as he put his dreads into a loose ponytail.

He just shrugged his shoulders then left.

_~ Now ~  
><em>

I drank it down fast and let the feeling take over as I laid on the bed. I couldn't believe the bliss that was washing over me, I felt paralyzed in it. It must have been awhile because an orderly came in the room, looking for me. I was glad my eyes were closed.

"Alice, are you awake?" I could feel looking at me, and I recognized his voice. It was the orderly would seemed to have a crush on me, though obviously I didn't return the feelings. He saw the vial I hadn't hidden before it had kicked in. And I could hear the smile widen on his face and I felt disgusted.

If he told, I could get in a lot of trouble. I didn't want to let him know I was awake, so I kept perfectly still and my breathing regular. I heard him come closer to me and felt the weight of him sitting down next to me. I was getting slightly scared because the door was only a tiny bit open. I could hear his breathing increase beside me.

"Now, now my pretty little Alice. You're at my mercy, just laying here so strung-out. I believe this is my reward for waiting so long. You know I saw you dance at the White Rabbit once before. I couldn't help myself when you suddenly showed up here, like you knew I wanted you. Don't be afraid, I know how to treat you right." Suddenly his hand was creeping on my thighs. My breath caught in my throat but he wasn't paying attention to anything but the sensations he was feeling. I couldn't believe he had seen me before; I had worn wigs and lots of make-up. I was terrified.

He was running his fingers on the waist band of my pants, letting them trail onto my skin. I let a whimper and turned over as if I was still sleeping. I couldn't stand him touching me, but this was the price I had to pay for taking Hare so rash.

"My little Dormouse, don't be afraid. I wish you were dancing for me instead of here on the bed." He had definitely seen me at Rabbit. My stage name had been Dormouse thanks to Caterpillar.

His hands were still on my body and I didn't know how to get him to stop. I hated feeling helpless and this brought back memories from childhood. I was about to let him have all the pain I felt, I was going to get him to stop touching me. To get them all back.

With his hands traveling all around me, I felt stuck in Hell. I was about to turn around and try to defend myself in any way possible. But attacking him in even defense would make me look bad and they would believe him over me, I knew that for a fact. He had gotten away with this for far too long. His hand was slipping under my shirt when he heard his name yelled out.

He cursed and removed his hand.

"Another time perhaps my little Alice."

* * *

><p><strong>AUTHOR'S NOTE:<strong>

_So, what do you think about this so far? I know the format might be a bit confusing though. I really enjoy writing this. Hope you like it._


	3. Dormouse

**Down the Rabbit Hole**

**-ATaintedStarsNightmare**

"**Dormouse"**

"_There's either too much time, or too little. Where does it go?"_

_~ Now ~_

The disgust had risen so much in me, I had to vomit and take a scolding hot shower to get the feeling out of me. I had scrubbed my skin till it was bright red and raw. I had dealt with situations like this before, but it would never be okay. Even March Hare couldn't make something like that okay; even it had its limit. It seemed to have a second run, as if it knew it slightly caused this and wanted to make it better. I let it flow through me, but was now careful enough to be coherent. But then again there was always the off chance that this would be part of the memories I would lose. March Hare had a funny way of destroying things you held dear.

Another night I would have to spend in this room, another night lost. I could be out enjoying my life but instead I would spend another night crying myself to sleep, wishing for someone to save me. But the only person who came was a nurse, giving me medicine that would take away my dreams. The nights were always the worst for me for some reason. I guess that was when I truly felt alone in the world. I took a deep breath as the night began to settle on the building.

_~ Before ~_

I walked into Caterpillar's office, the smoke floating out the doorway. He was facing away from the door so I made sure to walk in loudly so he would know I was here. It was just me and him here, but that was usual. He finally looked towards me and motioned me forward. The smoke letters turning colours as they faded around us.

"Ahh, my little Dormouse. It is nice to see you." He nodded his head at me and waved at a chair in front of him. "Sit if you may."

I walked over to the chair he was pointing and instantly felt tiny in front of him. This chair made everything look larger than me but how was this possible? I must have had a look of confusion on my face because he answered my unasked question.

"If things are seeming disproportional, it might be because you've inhaled my new exotic blend. Magic herbs and spices." At this he gave a wink at me while taking another puff from his hookah. "Tonight I think you'll actually have to do some work to earn your usual pay of Hare. I think our customers will enjoy something new. It'll be just a test night, so don't fret. I want you to dance, my little Dormouse. Dance just like the Duchess."

His voice clearly stated there was no other option and I had no choice in what was 'offered'. I simply nodded my head in agreement. I was sort of intrigued to be honest, the excitement boiling out of me. A part of me couldn't wait to feel that light beaming above me and seeing all the people staring at me while I twirling my body around. They would be looking up at me with wonder and amazement in their eyes. The hunger in their eyes to touch me, be in me, just even get a whiff of my hair. It definitely had some appeal.

As he puffed harder on his pipe the smoke intensified. The colours were magical than a rainbow and went straight to my head. I could whatever it was running through my veins, it combining with the Hare digesting in my stomach. The pill form was working just fine, my tolerance low.

"Breathe in deep, little Dormouse. Breathe it all in." He blew the smoke in my face, the colours infecting my lungs. "I believe you go on soon, best go get ready now."

_~ Now ~_

Rarely did I ever dream here and that unsettled me. I wanted to be able to get away at night, if only mentally. It was better than nothing. I tossed and turned all night, every night. Tonight it was raining and that comforted me somewhat. I couldn't remember the last time I had been in the rain.

In fact, I couldn't remember a lot when I tried to. Usually it randomly came to me in bursts. But this story, the one I'm telling you, is engraved in my memory. I've finally started writing it down, but I can't seem to get the words to look like I want them. I couldn't remember writing anything down in such a long time, I couldn't think of what my handwriting looked like. Did I always make the lines look so ragged and wavy? Were they once straight and proud?

But no matter, the pages in front of me are filling up fast with the ghosts of my past; maybe this will help me put them to rest at last. The times I did dream, it was a fragmented world made up of the worlds I had passed through during my journey. It's hard to write in the dark, there was hardly any light coming in my room. But something in me was forcing me to write this letter, it was a compulsion I could not ignore.

The events were pouring out of me, being transformed into a handwritten account. I was writing this to remember, if I ever forgot. But that made me question myself, how could I forget any of this? But I kept on; the compulsion was just too strong.

_~ Before ~_

I looked around the Rabbit, it held something even more magical now; now that I had Hare and whatever Caterpillar had been smoking taking over my vision and perceptions. I was floating on air, not even having to move my feet. I glided to the dressing room and let the motions flow through me.

The world seemed to slow down a bit as I glided through the crowds. This was heaven, perfection in reality. When I started to get ready and go out, the pleasure I was feeling hit deeper. It almost floored me to the ground; I was swaying as I walked. The world was under my control.

I walked in closer to the stage, where my performance would start. For some reason I wasn't worried about anything, it just seemed like a type of game and nothing really matter at the moment. Nothing could go wrong, that was how I felt. Like the rules of reality were bent but only when Hare was coursing through my veins.

The lights were flashing multi-colored bursts. But I was suddenly feeling kind of hot, I just shrugged it off. I wanted my fun to hurry up and begin. I wanted to have the world back at my finger tips. I felt the Duchess grab my hand and I automatically smiled. She led us through the crowd, her hand securely around mine. Like as if I was a small child and she didn't want me to get lost in a crowded place. But there was something about her, but I couldn't wrap my mind on what it could be, but it definitely attracted me to her. I wasn't big on puppy love and I knew someone could say that was how I felt about Queen, but I knew it wasn't true. It was just simple attraction to someone. Just attraction, nothing less nothing more.

But did any of it really matter? No, not with Hare pulsing its love through me. They were just simply there and to help me feel even more magical and wonderful while in a Hare daze. Love didn't come close to Hare.

The music started getting even louder the closer we got to the stage. The girls already on stage, you could tell they were definitely feeling March Hare in them. It was almost like magic seeing the way they danced. The hooting men below them could only half-way understand the elegance.

She pulled me up to dance, but with her.

_~ Now ~_

I had finished for now and I would need to get more rest, but it didn't matter how long it took; my story was going to be told. I guess I could try and get some sleep eventually but the events were far too fresh in my memory now that I had started down this road. Every scar from those events marked my skin and could never be removed. I subconsciously rubbed the crook of my arm, for those were the marks showing when my tolerance had gotten pretty strong and I needed more than the simple pill form.

But for some reason I was getting very angry and upset. I suddenly wanted to scream and lash out at the people around. I wanted to let them see my anger, stunned at the outburst. Let them watch, let them see, let them be amazed. They would never know how amazing it was. How the worlds changed and fit, you entered a new world every time you used Hare.

But I was stuck in this permanent one; one of white walls and the pungent smell of death and the sickly. The overpowering stench of chemical cleaners. This was a world of its own, a Hellish one. I wanted to be able to travel through the worlds like I had been able to before.

I wanted once again to hear the flowers sing to me as they used to.

_~ Before ~_

After we had danced for what seemed hours, I could barely breathe. Every muscle in me hurt but it felt sweet. Nothing could get better right now, I was powerful. She swept me into a room that was out of the way, slightly hidden if you weren't looking for it. She was breathing just as hard as I was, but we both had smiles on our faces.

She leaned down and gave me a kiss on the forehead before looking at me eye to eye.

"Little Dormouse, you were wonderful tonight. I just hope you understand the magic you feel and how it could overtake you if you let it." Her eyes had the same glazed look I'm sure mine had too. "It's taken me awhile to learn how to control it. Hare has definitely got a mind of its own. Don't you ever forget that, Alice."

I let out a gasp, how did she know my real name? Everyone had called me Dormouse after Caterpillar introduced me as that. I was a little frightened but I felt Hare pulsing through me and this made the fear go away.

"March Hare is something completely different little girl, it's almost as if it was alive." With that she started to turn around and leave, but for some reason I didn't want her to.

"Please don't leave me Duchess." I looked at her and she turned around and faced me. "I don't want to be alone, please tell me more."

She had a smile on her face as she came over and took my hand in a comforting grip. Her beauty held my amazement.

"It's not something I can teach you; you'll just have to learn that by yourself my love." She pulled my hand close to her lips and kissed it. I let my eyes close and enjoy the little tingles it sent through my arm. I looked down at her and found she had been watching me. She kissed her way up to my neck and finally upon my lips. Everywhere she had kissed was now tingling and I felt light-headed and left breathless and I could tell she felt the same.

"Follow me, my love. There's something I want to show you."

She took my hand and I followed blindly.

_~ Now ~_

The sun was shining in all its glory. It made me feel good as I soaked up the rays that could venture through the window. I let out a little moan as I stretched out my muscles and felt the sweet release of tensed muscles. I figured I would just stay in my room all day and ignore any doctors who thought they could help.

Maybe that could be my mission today if I didn't get side-tracked trying to write and remember everything. But with my mind so blurred today, I could already tell I would barely be able to remember anything more. But that didn't mean I couldn't try to.

I must have fall asleep, I thought. Because, suddenly I remembered, I had had a dream!

Good things come in small packages, because now I had something to focus on. I had gotten away last night, I had freedom even though they had tried to take it away.

_~ Before ~_

I let her lead, trying to figure out where we were going. As we were going up the stairs I finally had a thought break through my fogged mind, were we going to see Caterpillar? This didn't seem right, what did she have in mind?

She looked back down at me, I was a stair below her. "Don't be afraid." Then she continued walking up. What exactly was going on here? Was I being too naïve in not asking her where we were going? Giving her my trust that she wouldn't do something to hurt me even though I had barely met her?

I saw colored smoke rising from under a door, it must have filled the room because it was trying to escape. So we were going to Caterpillar, I wanted to stop and not go further. I must have slowed down some because she stopped walking completely and looked at me.

"What's going through your mind?" Her head was slightly tilted and I couldn't help but be reminded of a dog.

"Well, that smoke is from Caterpillar. Why are we going there? I do not want to go there."

She just nodded her head, as if that the usual response. "My silly little girl, it is time for your reward! You've definitely earned it."

She continued walking me through to the room and then the door. She turned the doorknob with confidence as if she knew it would be unlocked for her, as if this was planned. She looked back at me once more, her beauty was striking. But as the door opened and the smoke welcomed us in, things started to change.

Her beauty was melting away, as if it were hot wax. Her features were grotesque and odd, it made take a gasp. Her eyes held sadness now, but she acknowledged and accepted it.

"The smoke shows us for who we really are."

_I really enjoy writing this, but I don't know if anyone enjoys reading it._

_But I figure I'll keep writing, but if you like this story please tell me haha (:_

_- atsn_


	4. Painting the Roses Red

Down the Rabbit Hole

ATaintedStarsNightmare

"_There's either too much time, or too little. Where does it go?"_

Painting the Roses Red

_Now_

I was stuck trying to remember things that had happened, but the memories seemed tarnished and torn at the sides. I look down to where my pinkie finger had started to twitch; I didn't know if it was a permanent tremor or a delayed withdrawing symptom.

The days started to blend together but not in a good way, some days all I could do was lay in bed and think, trying to remember. It seemed to take up most of my energy but I kept at it. This notebook is starting to fill up and that's what's keeping me going.

I read back through it and sometimes just a fraction of a time I couldn't remember writing it, even experiencing it. But it seemed to be happening more frequently and it kind of scared me. I hadn't talked to anyone down at the Rabbit lately; I really wished they would at least call.

I decided to walk out into the day-room today and saw red roses sitting in a vase on the table.

_Before_

The red paint was dripping down my paintbrush, splattering on the floor. It was Queen's birthday and I wanted to give her something special, something she would always remember. I had gotten white roses and decided to paint them red. I don't really know why, but I thought it was a good idea. But it seemed to take a lot of patience and I didn't have much of that.

I continued humming as I traced the veins of the roses. I really hoped she would like them because it was taking forever!

I thought back to a couple nights ago when I saw The Duchess for who she truly was. I remembered the smell of the smoke clearly and it just didn't seem real to be honest. But after everything had happened, she took the lead out of the room and continued on walking. She looked back at me out of the corner of her eye, and gave me a small nod.

"Don't let anyone know what you've just seen. You wouldn't want to find out the truth about people. It can be terrible."

I didn't know how to deal with the situation and my mind was in some kind of fog. I felt completely relaxed, well at least my body was. My mind was racing with all the images I had seen. I didn't know where I was going so the crowd inside The White Rabbit was pushing me along. It was sort of like a crowded ocean of bodies pushing you wherever it wanted you to end up.

_Now_

Apparently I have been looking at these red roses for some time now. I couldn't remember how long it had actually been but I could feel my muscles tensing up and damn they were stiff. The world around me hadn't stopped though, not that I expected it to.

I guess you could say that I was out of it as I walked towards a chair off in the corner, the image of the dripping paint so clear in my mind I was surprised I wasn't looking at it right now. I heard my name being called by a nurse, was it time for some meds or something? I had definitely lost track of time since I had zoned out so hardcore.

"Alice? Your mother is here." The nurse looked as if she couldn't honestly care who was here. Her name was Rachael and she must have been in her early thirties at most. She had strawberry blonde hair that had a tint of purple but always seemed to have an angry look on her face. "Are you going to keep ignoring me or come see her? She's a bit annoying." She gave me a little wink and a smile.

I started to get up while the front doors opened and in walked my mother in all her drug-hazed glory. One of her eyes was slightly purple, as if it had been bruised. I could see her bones poking out of her skin as if she hadn't been eating for awhile. Her hair was sticking up in some places while in others it looked greased together in a sort of dread. Her eyes were outlined in red, but I was hoping because she had been crying. I knew she had a hard time without me but I didn't think she would get this bad.

"Baby, I've missed you!" She held her arms open towards me as if asking for a hug. Her purse slid down her forearm without her noticing. A lot of the nurses were looking at the interaction between us. Instead of giving her a hug I backed away from her with an angry look on my face.

"Please take any conversations in the Fish-Bowl." The Fish-Bowl was a room off to the side but still in view of the main desk. Rachael gave me a look as if she was sorry but nodded towards the room.

She stumbled towards the room so much that I was surprised she made it there. I was sort of waiting for a doctor to catch a peek at her and switch our places. She clearly belonged here more than me and probably needed it more.

"I missed you so much baby." Her eyes didn't seem to focus on me though it was almost as if she was staring through me. "I know you must hate it here baby." It seemed like she wanted to say more but then my doctor knocked on the door to the Fish-Bowl.

"Hi Miss Deadre. How are we today?" The doctor sat down at the head of the tiny little table. He gave a look around at both of us as he set up a little 'station'. He scribbled some stuff down before he looked back up at us. "I hope there wasn't any trouble getting here today."

My mother looked at him, not through him like she did with me. It looked like she was trying to concentrate very hard on the things he was saying. I decided I wasn't even going to listen to this conversation because it was clearly going to be about her even if she didn't know. I let my mind wander off while they clearly ignored me. I suppose I should have stopped when I heard the doctor say the words _'getting worse' _but I was already gone.

_Before_

"Alice! Baby, you made it!" Queen's happy voice caught me off guard. She was lying in Cheshire's lap while Cheshire's hands were rubbing her shoulders. Cheshire was lying on Hatter's stomach while he was looking right at me with an unreadable expression. We had a very close group of friends but now the lines seemed to be blurring.

"Yeah of course babe, anything for you." I sat behind Hatter so he could lay his head in my lap. I had taken some Hare before I arrived but then an extra half. I was feeling so confident; the world was at my fingertips. Queen looked a little confused at where I chose to go but then shook it off as Cheshire kept running her fingers all over her.

"Well what are the plans for tonight going to be?"

I was getting restless but I could feel Hare swimming through my blood. I swear sometimes it had a completely affect every time. I could see every colours becoming neon and every touch felt like ecstasy and tingled. I wondered if this was what we were all feeling. But somewhere deep inside part of me wanted Queen here on my lap, my fingers running through her hair. To hear her let out a little moan by accident then giggle when she caught my eye. I shook the thoughts out which made me feel even more lightheaded. I had this constant feeling that I forgot something, something important. What was it? If I could forget it this easily then it must not be that important. ..Right?

As we laid there talking about random things, it felt whole. It seemed right I would be here with the closest people in my life. But I didn't know if that was just the Hare, it could give you that feeling some times.

I saw some red pass in front of my eyes then heard Queen's voice in my ear.

"You didn't bring my present, are you made at me?" Her voice was sort of sad but still giggly.

Fuck, I forgot her painted roses!

* * *

><p><em>Author's Notes:<em>

_I decided to leave it on a lighter note instead of some cliff hanger. I don't know if you guys like it. I got the message that someone added it on their favourites and also alerts. But I haven't gotten any reviews and I'm tired of feeling lame for asking for them lol but don't worries, I've got plans._

_Just let me know what you think, I greatly appreciate it._

_-atsn_


	5. A Mad Tea Party

Down the Rabbit Hole

ATaintedStarsNightmare

"_There's either too much time, or too little. Where does it go?"_

A Mad Tea Party

_Now_

I was already so far gone into the memories they seemed different now; I couldn't see them clearly anymore. I couldn't keep track of simple things, where was my mind going? The more important question was: what was happening to me?

"I don't think Alice should be here for this conversation. I'll have a nurse show her out." The doctor looked towards me but he seemed fuzzy and blurred.

I didn't want to let them know something was going on with me so I simply nodded and felt like I was floating as I got up to leave. I felt a nurse guide me towards a chair out in the day room; I didn't feel much like fighting back.

I can't really even begin to try to explain this feeling, but I think I'm liking it. But I felt very much light and airy. I feel like I can remember stuff! I need to write this stuff down before I get into one of those 'blurs'. What's going on with me?

I take my time going to my room, enjoying the time it takes getting there. It's like there can be no wrong. It almost feels like March Hare, but that can't be right! I don't feel like making a big fuss about it but this feeling is being savored down to my bones. I see my notebook and it looks like I've been writing some I guess.

_Before_

The waves of people coming in the White Rabbit that night amazed me. The bouncers had to be called in that night and for good reason. There was some bachelor party in the VIP section; the hollering from there gained everybody's attention. Queen was working tonight; I was just here to watch her. The groom had chosen her to dance for them, and it made me uneasy for some reason. But I continued to watch her, the painted roses in my hand.

The bachelors were started to get out of control, they had been drinking a lot that night, making the bouncers tense with anticipation of what might be brewing. I had to leave and meet up with Cheshire. It was just me and her tonight. We were supposed to be meeting in the alley way of White Rabbit.

Just as I settled against the wall outside, I guess one of the drunken bachelors had seen me.

_Now_

Reading what I've apparently written but don't remember is always an adventure of sorts. I see the flowers I must have drawn around the margins; they seem to be singing in the picture. But that can't be true, flowers don't sing…right?

I felt like I was in a fog, but this wasn't a good one. Why was this happening and where was my mind trying to take me? This all seemed to be moving too fast and I don't know if I wanted to be on this ride, but it wasn't like I had a choice anymore. Did I ever have a choice?

The way I had been using Hare had completely taken over my life and it seems now like it destroyed it. I felt like I could hear music playing and loud voices but I was alone in my room. I started to look around, trying to figure out where the noises were coming from. I started to get up out of my chair and walk around the room. The sounds seemed to get louder around a certain part of the room. I put my ear up against the wall and the sounds intensified. I pressed my ear even harder against the wall, not even believing this was happening.

The sounds coming from behind the wall hit some memory…they seemed familiar! What was going on? What was on the other side of this wall? I stumbled towards the doorway to try and see what was on the other side of my room. There was a closet, but the door was locked. I don't remember this door though…

_Before_

The music seemed to radiate from the White Rabbit. I couldn't get far enough away, but it was sort of comforting. The noises of the drunken men seemed to be the soundtrack of my nights but I didn't mind much.

I tried to not make eye contact with the drunken man that had followed me outside. It could give him the wrong impression and I just didn't need anymore trouble. I was having a hard enough time just dealing with my life. He started to stumble towards me at an increasing pace, the distance between us growing smaller. He tried to speak to me but his words were too slurred for me to understand them. I was starting to grow bored with these antics and this was a waste of time.

"Get away from me, you drunken piece of shit." Anger started to surge through me and I didn't know why. Maybe this was just the after affects of the March Hare subsiding. I had slowed down my use lately and was having some weird side effects.

He stumbled to a spot farther away from me that was under the light and slumped towards the ground.

"Alice, it's me." It sounded as if the man was trying really hard to get these words out, I was impressed actually. It sounded like Hatter, but I hadn't seen him come in. I walked closer to him.

"Hatter? Is that you? What are you doing here?" I didn't want to be caught talking to some random drunkard that happened to randomly know me. I did have a feeling that it was him though and my anger quickly subsided. I felt pity instead; my heart went out to him. Something bad must have happened for him to do this.

"I fucked up, bad. I don't know if there is a way to fix this. Alice, I'm scared." He looked up at me; his eyes were bloodshot and red. It looked as if he had been crying, but why? Did this have something to do with Cheshire? Looking him over for some kind of clue, I noticed he was covered in spots of red that seemed to be turning brown in some spots.

"Hatter, what happened? What did you do?" I couldn't keep the worry out of my voice.

"I killed her Alice. I killed her."

_After_

I sat down in front of the closet that appeared beside my room, not even noticing I had. This door wasn't like any other that was in this godforsaken place. The keyhole was large and reminded me of an old timey door. Like one of those that needed an absurbly large key, I bet I could even peek through it and see what was on the other side! I crawled towards it on my hands and knees, time didn't seem to exist the closer I got to it. I closed my right eye, trying to peek through and see the other side. I swear I could see bright colours and hear music that sounded heavenly. What was this place hidden behind this door? I could hear the songs of the flowers, the loud rumble of the White Rabbit, the screams of a girl, and the laughter of someone. My mind couldn't seem to put these sounds together.

"Alice! Hunny, what are you doing? Why are you sitting in front of that wall on the floor?" My mom's voice broke me out of my delusion. "I've got some things I would like to talk about with you, let's go to your room." Her voice seemed different and the look on her face too. She seemed broken and sad, but almost as if she was trying to hide it. What did that doctor tell her?

I nodded and started to stand, but my legs wouldn't listen to me. I started to wobble and tumble to the floor.

"Alice!"

_Before_

Hatter's words hit me like a ton of bricks, killed someone?

"What?" He had to be joking, this wasn't the Hatter I knew and loved.

He looked back at the ground and I could hear him start to cry again. When did the world stop making sense? I didn't know what to do or even what to think. When did life take this turn? I heard someone's footsteps behind me, coming closer. I didn't want Hatter in trouble so I tried to stand in front of him, to cover up those little specks of red on his clothes.

"What the fuck is going on here? Why is he crying?" Cheshire's voice caught me off guard and apparently Hatter too.

She stepped around me and in front of Hatter. The smug look on her face dropped when she saw him. She looked quickly from me to him a couple of times. She seemed as lost as I felt. "What's on your shirt Hatter?"

The sounds of his sobs got louder, almost seeming to drown out any thoughts going through my mind.

"I killed her." Those three little simple words had the impact of a thousand.

"What is he talking about Alice? What the fuck is going on?" Her voice was a mix between anger and confusion.

I was trying to think of anything to say but I couldn't. We heard the sounds of the Rabbit get louder and we knew someone had just stepped out. Cheshire threw her jacket over his shirt and started to pull him up and walk toward the club.

"We need to see the Caterpillar. Maybe he'll be able to get some sense out of him"

I just nodded and helped her carry him to the club and eventually up the stairs.

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: I know it's been forever since I've written. I really want to finish this story, I do like it. Just haven't had time with trying to pass my senior year. But I hope you guys enjoy this and I promise I'll try my best to finish this story as quick and NON-sloppy as possible! Remember, reviewing always encourages me ;)<em>

_-atsn_


	6. Orange Marmalade

Down the Rabbit Hole

ATaintedStarsNightmare

"_There__is__either__too__much__time__or__too__little__…"_

Orange Marmalade

_Now_

I woke up, disoriented before I even opened my eyes. My brain felt fuzzy and heavy. I was trying to get my eyes focused on something, anything. I decided to leave my eyes closed and just feel what was going on around me. From what I could feel, I was in my own hospital bed. I couldn't help but think that maybe my mom was on the other side of me, well for some reason I was hoping that maybe she was there. I had always hoped maybe it would take something like this for my mother to come back and be "Super Mom" and save the day. But the more I 'felt' around me…the more it felt like I was alone in this room, tucked safely in bed.

I tried to remember how I got into this situation. What was the reason I was in this bed? I didn't remember getting into bed or anything like that. Then I remembered that my mother had been here and I remembered hearing her crying out my name. I don't know much after that…

I tried to get up but I felt like something was holding me down. I looked around and saw that my hands were strapped down, and could feel my ankles were too... I couldn't really see anything except those straps.

What had happened? Would I ever know?

_Before_

Hatter hadn't wanted to talk to Caterpillar or any of us. He had been really upset but after a certain point he just didn't even want to open his mouth and speak. He seemed to turn almost catatonic, just staring at a simple spot on the wall while rocking back and forth. He kept mumbling about how he killed her.

None of us knew what to do; this wasn't something we had any experience with. I just wanted to get away and never have to deal with this. We were watching for Queen to finish up and maybe she could make some sense out of him. I think at this point that was what everybody wanted, just for this to make sense.

It seemed like Queen would never get off and the hours seemed to get longer and longer. It felt like our lives were ticking away with every minute. The Caterpillar looked as if he had grown bored trying to make sense out of Hatter. He smoked out of his hookah with a sense of disinterest, though his eyes seemed to be watching our tiniest movements. Every time I tried to sneak a peek over I would catch his eye and he held it, as if waiting for me to be the one to look away.

Hatter's random cries still interrupted the silence every few moments, as if reminding us of this crime he had committed. But could it be true? I had known Hatter for a good little bit and had never thought him capable of doing something like this. This was out of my comfort zone and I didn't really know how to react.

I checked my phone and apparently my mother had called me about 10 times and sent me some texts. I read through them quickly, not really paying attention to them. I think she was just worried about me not calling her back so I put her in the back of my mind, she could wait.

M y heart was still in a tizzy about Queen not being here and it being a few hours later and into the morning. When things messed up, they sure did mess the fuck up. The Caterpillar had finally gotten Hatter to drink something calming, he now had zoned out and stopped crying.

"For the nerves ladies." He bowed his head slightly, almost condescendingly. I saw a little twinkle in his eye as he watched Cheshire take a giant chug of the drink. She made a face as it went down and then sat down on one of the couches behind us.

"I don't know what or who he's talking about! It's driving me insane and I'm so worried." Cheshire finally seemed a little relaxed unlike her usual self. "I don't know what he's babbling about, but I do really think that's blood on his clothes." Her eyes started to droop and soon her and Hatter were both in an almost trance like state.

Caterpillar offered me the cup but I refused. I didn't want to be in a trance, I wanted to see Queen and understand what the fuck was going on. I felt weak though, I hadn't had any March Hare in a good little bit and that was enough to make me feel like I was going through withdraw. Little zaps of energy in my brain made me feel fuzzy. I shook my head at the again offered cup.

"If anything I need Hare." I knew sometimes that he would offer some Hare for free and I was hoping this would be one of them.

He nodded his head once more and fished around for some Hare he had hidden away. He was at the other side of the room when there was a knock at the door. It was Duchess.

"Excuse Caterpillar, but I've got some news." She wouldn't even look me in the face and kept her eyes looking straight ahead. "You might want to come down and see this sir." Her voice was devoid of emotion, as if she was trying to keep everyone from knowing what she was really thinking and feeling.

"I'll be down in a few minutes Duchess." His voice had hardened from when he was calmly speaking to me just a few seconds before. "Here my little Dormouse, you can enjoy this while I'm away." He laid the syringe and the vial of Hare down before me.

I just nodded because I was thinking about what she could mean. Was it about Queen? Was she alright? But the need for March Hare to be in my veins overtook my worry and I got down to business. As soon as I had pushed the plunger down on the syringe and it started kicking in, I was on the couch beside Cheshire and in my own little trance.

_Now_

I wanted my mother, I felt alone and scared. I couldn't move and the feeling of being stuck just made it worse. I knew screaming would just make me seem crazy and probably make this situation worse, but what if they had forgotten about me? What was I supposed to do, just lay here and wait? I tried to see if I could possibly get my wrists out of the straps but I wasn't having any luck. The buzzing of the lights above me seemed to exist only to drive me crazy. I wanted to finish writing about the Rabbit but being strapped down sort of hindered that process. I began to try and wiggle my way out but I wasn't getting anywhere before the door opened and a gruff doctor walked in.

"Good morning Alice, how are you feeling today?" He had sat in a chair that had been hidden from my view. He scooted it up so he could see me and I could see him. It made me feel slightly better. But I was still confused about being strapped down. I didn't want to snap at him though; I knew that wouldn't get me anywhere.

"Well, I'm slightly confused as to why I'm waking up not in my bed…oh and being strapped down." I felt sort of angry but I was trying to hold it back. I gave up trying to wiggle out and just lay there calmly.

"It's for yours and our safety. Do you remember anything about yesterday?" His words caught me off guard.

"What do you mean safety? What are you talking about?" My confusion was beyond measurable. "Get me out of these straps and tell me what the fuck is going on!"  
>"Well, after events like these, we have to keep you under observation for the next 48 hours. Just for any risks and things of the like. I'm sorry Alice, but you've got another day to go. I'm surprised you're awake actually; you've been out for the last day. We've been worried about you." I could hear the concern in his voice but I was more distracted that I had been passed out for an entire day. "We feel like this event must have been really traumatic for you so you've been switched to one-on-one and someone will be with you all of the time."<p>

"What do you mean event, what is going on? Why won't you tell me?" This was freaking me out, why wouldn't he just tell me what happened? Especially since I only remember that door! Did this have something to do with the door? How could that be traumatic?

"Just tell me everything you remember and don't leave anything out."

I began to tell him all I remembered before I blacked out, but I decided to leave out the part about the door. It would probably get me in more trouble with them.

_Before_

I guess they thought that my little trance would have made me not able to hear. Caterpillar came in with Duchess and others, all trying to keep their voices low but they were urgent. Thankfully I heard Queen's voice in the jumble. I felt like I couldn't even open my eyes, this wasn't a usual side-effect of March Hare. Had it been laced with something else? I could hear everything but couldn't even move my pinkie finger.

"No, I've told you I don't know who or even what he is talking about! You keep asking the same question and I keep giving the same answer!" Queen's voice sounded agitated. I wish I could have opened my eyes and seen her. I had been missing her for awhile now and that still hadn't gone away.

I could feel a spot on the couch get heavier, as if someone had sat down beside me, I didn't know who it was and I was slightly worried.

"I don't think this is our business to deal with. Let these young ones deal with this on their own! They knowingly walked into our front door but that doesn't mean we've also got to clean up their messes." Duchess' voice caught me off guard. She didn't sound as worried as she did before but slightly more angry. "This little obsession of yours with that little girl will get you nowhere..."

I heard a door open and slam and I supposed that it was Duchess who had left the room. There was a quite moment before I heard Queen.

"Caterpillar, she is just jealous. She doesn't know what she is even talking about." From the closeness of her voice, it was Queen who had sat beside me.

This conversation, which obviously wasn't meant for others to hear, greatly confused me. What did Duchess even mean by 'that little girl'? Was she talking about Queen? I wanted to be able to move and ask questions about what they were talking about. I was trying to think of what they could possibly be talking about, but I wasn't having any luck.

"Here Queen, take a sip. My nerves are shot so I'm thinking yours are too. Let's decide how to handle this situation best when there is to be morning light shone on it." I'm guessing he passed her the cup from earlier but I didn't have a way to be sure. Only a few moments after she had taken a sip, she must have been in her own trance as well, the pressure beside me somehow got heavier.

"Oh, my pure little Dormouse, you've been naughty, listening in." I was confused at how he knew! I had tried my best to keep acting like the two around me, but apparently that didn't work.

"Don't be silly dear, I gave that Hare to you, now didn't I? You'll regain the use of your body again very soon. You mustn't waste a worry on that dear or be worried that something will happen to you. You can trust me little Alice, I hope you know that. But since I'm needed else where to help someone…Dodo will be keeping watch over you for now. I would prefer if you didn't tell anyone what you have heard. It will come out in time."

I could smell that distinctive scent of Caterpillar's smoke. It felt like he was blowing it in my face but I didn't feel like I need to cough. I had feeling back, my limbs tingling as if they had been asleep as well. "I'm giving you this freedom and I hope you don't make me regret it my little Dormouse. You have the choice, now it's up to you to decide."

I opened my eyes and saw the thick smoke rings, they were so colorful. I could stand up if I wanted, but I felt better sitting down. I looked around and my friends were passed out beside me. I looked up at Caterpillar, but his eyes held worry.

Seeing Caterpillar looking that way scared me, I had never seen him like this before and it wasn't the best time to either. He looked almost drained of his confidence that once oozed out of him.

"Everything will be handled, don't you worry."

He gave me a kiss on my forehead that was almost so comforting. It was a like a father tucking his child into bed.

I felt safe.

_Author's Note; This is where we're going to end for now, I've got to figure out how I'm going to write this next chapter but still have a story that connects clearly. But for those that are reading this story, thank you. Your support means a lot. _

_-atsn_


	7. Off With Her Head

Down the Rabbit Hole

ATaintedStarsNightmare

Off With Her Head

_Now_

I didn't even notice but as I was telling the doctor what had happened before I blacked out, I was still struggling against the straps. I only knew when the doctor would stop looking me in the eyes and down at my wrist which were bright angry red.

"Alice, please stop trying to get out of those. I cannot let you out any sooner, though this isn't helping your case." His stern voice made me feel angry. There he was sitting, free of this bondage, telling me what to do? Wasn't that the icing on the fucking cake?

"Would you like to switch places then? It's rather uncomfortable."

He gave a small laugh but still had a frown on his face. His eyes held some sadness but I didn't care. It had nothing to do with me, of that I was sure. He began writing things down, not even paying attention to me.

"I wish I could help you Alice. Though we haven't gotten a hold of your father yet, we're still trying our best." There he went again, that same saddened look.

"My father? But my mother was just here…?" Okay, I'm confused. Why try to get in contact with my father who hasn't been there for me at all instead of my mother who happened to stumble in on some drugged up haze? It wasn't the best situation for sure, but why bring him into the mix, just didn't make any sense.

He looked as if he was going to speak but his beeper started going off. He rubbed his temples and gave me a look as if he was sorry.

"We'll have to continue this later I'm afraid." And with that he stood up, taking the chair back and left me alone.

At this point, I was tired of being left alone.

_Before_

After we had spent the night at the Rabbit, nothing returned to normal. But it seemed Queen hadn't left my side since it happened. Hatter still hadn't told us what happened and Caterpillar had since forbid it. It might be weird but we obeyed the man, as if our lives depended on it…because maybe they did. Hatter never brought the subject up or even hinted at it. The whole night was strange and the curiosity of knowing the truth burned larger and larger each day that passed.

Soon the days became weeks and we had heard nothing in the news about someone being found killed. I had made sure to keep a closer out recently but there was nothing for my efforts. But I noticed more and more that Caterpillar had kept an eye on me instead. More and more I would find myself in his room overlooking the Rabbit. He never gave me a reason for this and I eventually accepted it.

I started losing track of days, they all blended together. My days spent with Queen and my nights spent at the Rabbit. I think that was around the time I started using more Hare, not caring about the consequences. Only caring about the magical feeling it gave me, the burn marks on my arms be damned, nothing could compare.

Queen at first seemed different but eventually she came around. She was smiling more and it seemed to return my affection. But for an odd reason, that didn't have the affect I thought it would. I figured I would be jumping for joy, all the attention I had wasted on her. But something bugged me, I couldn't find Duchess.

On days I was with Caterpillar, I had tried to slip in hints that she wasn't there but he ignored them. There were so many things that were different now after Hatter's little…"incident" that I couldn't even keep up. It started to wear me down because I had a feeling something bad had happened and no one wanted to admit it.

I figured maybe I needed time away from everything and everybody. Then I could get my mind straight and sober. I started to feel like maybe we had been doing more Hare but not by choice. It seemed like every time at the Rabbit someone had some and wanted to share with us. It was sort of unusual but I didn't think about it the first few times but the more it happened the stranger it seemed.

I convinced Hatter to get away with me, just even for a day and he had agreed. He had definitely changed since that night and it clearly showed. I was worried about him and had tried my best to make him feel better but nothing would work. He seemed to even drag his feet at the idea of leaving the Rabbit even for a day.

But out on our own, things were different. It was like he had been holding all of these words inside of him for days and weeks, and now there were finally able to break free. It made me smile that he was talking so the important things could wait. We were on a little trail I had found awhile back before all of this madness, somewhat hidden from the world. We heard voices down further on the path, it didn't shock us though. Lots of teenagers knew about the trails, it was no biggie. I thought I recognized one though, which was sort of strange. It was Cheshire and some other people I had never seen before.

"Cheshire? What are you doing here?" Hatter seemed a little shocked that he would see her out of all people. He looked at me but I held my hands up, I was just as confused as him.

The closer we got to her, the more we noticed she looked different. Her hair was in disarray with some caked on dirt. In fact, all of her was covered in dirt and she looked guilty. We walked closer and saw that she was standing beside a pretty decent sized hole in the ground. It was deep so we couldn't see if anything was in it.

"I was hoping to see you guys soon." Her voice sounded empty and nothing like her at all. She looked back down at the hole in the ground. "I found what Caterpillar was hiding."

_Now_

Time just didn't seem to exist here in this fucking room. It seemed content to drag on as long as it wanted. The only way I vaguely knew what time it was, was when the nurse watching me went to bring me whatever meal it was. She had brought in a crossword and a book, not even bothering to talk to me unless if I had any complaints. I had tried to get information out of her but all she did was shake her head.

"Sorry, the doctor will have to tell you that information." And went straight back to her crossword puzzle. She must have been good at them because all I could hear was the pen scratching against the paper.

I must of fallen asleep somewhere in-between the free time because I jumped, well as much as I could, when I heard what could be considered knocking on the metal door. I was hoping it was the doctor. I couldn't see what exactly was going on but I was pretty sure the nurse had left and someone had taken her spot.

"Hello there Alice." Yeah, it was the doctor, but the nurse hadn't left. She was undoing the straps that had held me down most of the day. "Since you've behaving so well, I thought we would remove these while I tell you what happens next."

I sat and rubbed my wrists and ankles, alternating between each one. I looked over at him, eying him from top to bottom.

"You make it sound…somewhat scary. What happened in the first place?" I was done playing these stupid games that were getting us nowhere.

"I'm hoping you can handle this." He was looking at me with a serious look on his face. And the nurse's face was slightly distraught. "After everything you told me about the night your mother came to visit, I expect you would like some answers."

"I just asked that, but yes." Could this be dragged on any longer?

"That night when your mother came in and you said you had blacked out, the truth and what you remember are different. You brutally attacked your mother, Alice."

I was shocked, to say the least. Attacked my mother? Of course there were times I had been so angry with her, but to attack her? He must be lying, this couldn't be true. I looked at the nurse but she wasn't looking me in the eyes or even in my direction.

"The damage…was extensive. Apparently you had a weapon, though you never even mentioned dinner when you told me your story. By the time we reacted…it was too late. Alice, you killed your mother."

My mind was blank; no thoughts seemed to be forming. It's not everyday you're told you've attacked and killed your mother with a plastic utensil. I couldn't have killed my mother, I racked my brains for any memories but nothing was there.

"No." That was all I could get out. They were lying, this was some sick joke they were playing on me. My mother would come out any second; maybe I would need to call her or something. Just some test to gauge my reaction.

"I'm sorry Alice, but what I'm telling you is the truth. You're being moved to a new ward here in a few minutes. The paperwork is being filled out as we speak. We never found your father, so you're a ward of the state."

It looked like he wanted to say more, but I wasn't listening. I was trying to process this information. He was talking some more but I couldn't hear anything. I just watched his lips move but no sound came out of them. I felt the nurse grab my arm and help guide me out to use the bathroom before I would leave.

But at the end of the hall, I could music. The same music I heard before I blacked out. The door was there again, almost seeming to beckon me towards it. I felt a magnetic pull and decided to run towards it.

_Author's Note:_

_Hope you guys have enjoyed the story, one more chapter to go. _

_Reviews are nice, lets me know if you guys are even reading. _

_Thanks!_


	8. Wonderland

Down the Rabbit Hole

ATaintedStarsNightmare

Wonderland

_Now_

As I bolted for the door, I felt the world around me disappear. I could people yelling my name but almost as if we were underwater. The music was playing louder and getting faster, almost welcoming me…beckoning me in. Who would deny such a thing? I knew this was the door to my salvation, I knew it in every nerve and bone in my body.

_Before_

Staring at the hole down in front of us, I couldn't believe my eyes. A tree's gnarled roots had started growing through the side of the hole. Cheshire must have chipped away at them by accident because there were white scratches down the larger roots. Cheshire was breathing heavily, as were the other people around her. It seemed like no one really knew what to say about the discovery we had just made, we would look each other in the eyes then quickly look away.

Where could we even begin?

_Now_

My fingers finally reached around the doorknob, grasping it. I gave a look back, subconsciously saying good-bye to the real world. I didn't know where this would take me or even if this was real. But at this point in my life, I didn't care anymore. I wanted out and this seemed as good as any. I swear the world around me ceased to exist and it felt like I had fallen down a hole, a dark rabbit hole. I had no control over how fast I was falling or where I would even end up. But for some reason I felt safe during my fall.

I started to think that I was slowing down, the hospital gown billowing out around me like a miniature parachute. I giggled to myself as I kept trying to smooth it out but to no avail, it circled around me. For some reason there seemed to be different colours around me. I was getting closer to the ground; at least it was looking that way. Books and chairs floated around me as I was floating to the bottom, I reached out to grab one but they slipped through my fingers.

I was thinking that maybe I would be falling forever and never stop, but for some reason I wasn't worried. I looked up, trying to find the door to the real world. I couldn't even see the light from the hospital, the darkness mixed with the colours though. Reaching out for the colours didn't seem to do anything, but it made me happy.

Finally I could start to see the ground and I didn't know what to expect. What would happen as soon as I hit the bottom? But something rushed through me and I started to not care again. My hospital gown floated back down to covering my legs and my fall was over. I looked back up in amazement, the books and chairs were still floating there! As if to tease me that I had fallen to the ground while they stayed in place.

I could hear something ticking, almost like a clock. Every second passed by while I stood there. I looked around me, it seemed like there were tunnels all around me. But the only place with some light coming from it was the one in front of me; I decided to trust the light.

The further I went down the tunnel, the more I could hear something. I didn't know what to expect, but the light grew brighter and the sounds even louder. I felt as if the space was opening around me, but I couldn't be sure since it was still sort of dark. But towards the end of the tunnel, I could see a glass table and another door.

"Curious." It felt weird to hear my voice echo against this place.

I saw a key lying on the table, grabbed it and tried the door. It fit. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. The sounds of the key turning seemed to fill the room and my heart beat raced. As I pushed the door open, I gasped in wonder.

_Reality_

_Doctor's Point of View_

Watching Alice's reaction to what I had told her made me feel awful. Her face dropped and I couldn't begin to feel her pain. Though I had never thought something like this would happen here. I had tried my best to secure everyone's safety but this one slipped through the cracks. But you can never tell with mind-altering substances. I just wish it didn't need to come down to this.

I let the nurses take over and went back to filing her paperwork. I heard a commotion down the hall and leapt up. It was Alice; she had broken away from the nurses' grasp and was sitting at the end of the hallway. She was sitting on her knees, her hand on the wall. She kept muttering something I couldn't decipher from this far away.

It sounded like 'wonderland'.

The nurses helped me pick her up, she felt like a rag doll with no response.

"Come on Alice, everything will be alright."

She just nodded her head and let the nurses pull her towards her room with a glazed look in her eyes.

_With Alice_

The flowers, they were singing! And the sky was so many colours at once. It was beautiful. I couldn't even begin to describe this scene in front of me. I had escaped from the real world, my body and soul together. The further I walked in, the more I knew I had to stay. The flowers bowed to me and smiled. Little creatures that seemed like brushes erased my footprints behind me. As I looked forward, I could see everyone. I had missed them. They seemed happy to see me! Everyone was smiling and waving.

"Welcome home, Alice. Welcome to Wonderland."

_The End?_

_Author's Note: I've had a fun time writing this story and I've still got some things to entertain you with. Maybe another story in the works? But thank you for reading and reviewing!_

_-atsn_


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